grub + travels + perspectives

This Really Happened / This Is Fiction

Image from Rookie Mag

Your mom probably thinks I'm such a drama queen.

A friend once told me the best and quickest way to get out of the mess I got myself into is to endure. But I think he forgot to mention that it would be hella painful. I've been enduring (as if all the suffering before isn't enough), hoping to wake up one day and everything wouldn't feel like anything.

A few mornings back, I came to this realization: Enduring doesn't really do me any good.

I'm already a year into this whole ordeal but maybe for some people, this putting on a brave face works, but it's not the same for me. The more I endure, the more I crash and give in. In the end, the circumstances take an even larger part of me.

I remember asking the same friend, "Should I just burn bridges?" He was quick to answer that I shouldn't, that I would appear weak and we'd not like you to think that.

Maybe all those times, I was still waiting. I was under the impression that there's hope, because, hey, it happened before. Even though I've already cut ties, I've still left some little channels open, and I'm sure you've used it to your advantage. Scratch that. Yes, you definitely used it to your advantage. You jerk. We've crossed so many lines that gave us both a temporary high.

I've held my end of the bargain. It's been years. We are both a thousand miles away from that day. I've made so many mistakes. You haven't forgiven me. You haven't forgiven yourself. So yeah, fuck what you think. Fuck fabricating this convenient "friendship" that you soooo love to have with me since day 1. Fuck being polite. Fuck enduring. Fuck that we've been through so much. I decided I'm wrapping this up.

I would assume you've heard the news already, and you've made some attempt to get in touch with me. I'm not really sure, I could only guess.

Did you hear what I said?


That's good. I'm glad you know that I'm not there anymore.