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I've stopped asking for rationales ever since it ended, ever since I met you and ever since the first day happened. Yes, in that particular order. I never bothered to turn around and take a moment to contemplate on the reasons because knowing you, frankly, there aren't any to begin with. I was completely beguiled by everything you think you stand for and everything that you are really not. From that point on, everything took hard work. It took every bit of my intention to go against the current. I cannot be with you. I cannot give in. I cannot talk to you. We just can't be anything that would seem normal and uncontrived.

Everything is spilling over and cannot be contained. Too much thinking, too much worrying, too much animosity, too much apathy, too much longing, too much -- always too much of the bad things. I have my heart bursting at the seams, filled with a torrent of 'so much mores' and causes and mysteries.

I keep thinking if I need to forgive anyone -- or rather, do I need to forgive myself for thinking too low of what I deserve? I am still trying to make something out of all the disappointments and crashing and burning that happened the past 2 years. I can't make sense of what I keep doing wrong, why when my feet have touched so much new ground, I feel like I haven't budged an inch from that miserable place I was in. I keep thinking I must be wearing too old goggles or my spectacles aren't right because I can't seem to see the bigger picture the way the bigger picture needs to be seen. The way other people see me in this particular 'light.' 

Am I raining on my own parade?

So what am I saying? I still don't know. I still have no idea. No. Of course, I do. I've got a strong will, just weak hands, and I don't know what to do with either one of them.* I'm geographically and borderline morally challenged. I admire people that never had a problem with gray areas. I keep disappointing some people with my terrible choices, but I somehow miss the point that first and foremost, I betray myself. I am my own gloom cloud. 

But I know I have changed. Still, in my measly way, I grew up. I've learned that I am the one hindering what I could be. I, again, live on my own (technically). I had the courage to take the first step eventhough my insides are shaking and my bones are quivering. I have so many new stories to tell. I have learned so much from all of these, from all of them, from all of you. So many happy things to fill my mind on lazy days: typewriters, linen sheets, breakfast in bed for dinner, puppies, crisp white shirts, factory fresh 'new car' smell, running my hand at the back of his handwritten letters and ice cold Coke. I need to stop putting beautiful things to waste.

Now I lay here on my bed and feel all the empty space weighing down on me. I've been stretched out on these pillows far too long, it's beginning to feel uncomfortable. I've been staring at the ceiling all day, I've begun to see eye floaters in my field of vision. I will always carry you, you and you with me. In some parallel universe, chances favored us and we need not worry about stepping on other people's toes. In some parallel universe, you were brave enough to see yourself differently. In some parallel universe, you have endured more than what we/I had to endure in this lifetime and it was all worth it.

I flip my pillows and turn on my back. I tap my fingers, close my eyes and hum our favorite song. The future is here.

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